I do not want my parents to read this post, that's why it is written in english.
I am writing this post, becasue I do not want to talk about it, even with my husband, siblings or somebody else. the fact is that I could not even imagine that my grandmother's death would have such a strong effect on me. I know she was very sick, i know she was going to die soon, but emotionally I was not really ready for it, and when I saw her last time, did not ever think that it was the last :( ...
The truth is that as a child we hated to visit her, it was like a prison for us. There were not children in the neighborhood and we were alone, during summer vacations we were completely alone there... She was working so we had to take care of chickens and sheep and we hated it, and we blamed my grandma. But we were children and could not understand anything.
She lost her husband when she was 4 month pregnant, raised my father alone becasue as she said "how could I have other man, how could your father have a step father?!". She was so beautiful but so alone, alone than anybody else who I know. She was working and saving, wanted to have a house, big house...but she lost her money after "perestroika" and was left with nothing :(. We were children and could not understand her feelings... we were children until the day she died.
I feel bad... I did not even call and tell how much I loved her, i just could not jump over my egoistic feeling...selfish bitch.
i can not even cry, i do not know where are my tears :(